| - It's Been a While If you've been wondering why I've been acting the way I've been lately, read this:
I haven't updated in a LONG time. I have a lot to say, but to much still feels really privates... Anyway, My breaks were wonderful, Thanksgiving, and Christmas, but after each break Cat and I seemed to grow apart terribly. Its like, when we're together, we're like polar oppissite magnets, and inseperable, but after a few weeks of being apart, she can't stand me anymore... but I know why...
Christmas break was amazing, we spent everyday together, although I was only with her 16 days or so, I would say it was the best time of our lives second to that first kiss and the following days. We professed our love to eachother and she told me how happy she was to be with me, and questioned why she had given me so much trouble in the fall, and decided it wasnt worth it. We promised eachother we would make it more solid through the next semester, and that things would go so well since we'd see eachother once a month (that got ruined because my parents won't let me go home Spring Break). We even got to spend a few days sleeping together (I mean really sleeping) in her dorm, which was wonderful because I don't think I've ever fallen asleep in that weird position (flat against a wall) more comfortably... and its because she was right there behind me.
So I left Lubbock, and came back to this fucking shithole of a state, and things between her and I were alright. We spent a lot of time on the phone, neither one of us ever had anything to do. About 2 weeks after I left, she started going out a whole lot, which just like in the first semester, I wasnt used to it, because we were always on the phone. I became what every girl hates in a guy, overprotective, and I regret it like crazy, because I'm not the overprotective control freak or "you lookin at my girl!" type, I'm the one who gets obsessive and worried that something will go wrong.
I was just afraid she was going to go out and hurt herself, one night I was actually right for feeling the way I was feeling, but I won't talk about that, she was safe. The thing is, I got obsessive, talking to her just wasnt the same anymore, and it felt like... well when I called, she would just brush me off, I could tell she was only talking because I wanted to talk, and it hurt so much deep down because only 4 days before, she wouldnt let me get off the phone... which made me VERY happy. Why the difference?
Anyway, one day I flipped out, I was being really stupid because I got paranoid that she was "hiding" me, Big mistake, she let it go under the conditions that I wouldn't ever flip out again, or else we were through. I blew it... I knew I would never flip out again, but I did the stupidest thing in the world, I broke up with her, for the same reasons from earlier, I felt like she was blowing me off, and lying to me about it (which she wasnt), which hurt a lot, and I couldnt take it. I flipped out and called her a thousand times to apologize, I didn't mean it! But I had lost her... and for a stupid reason.
Later that night we talked, she told me I need to give her a break... or we are through. I begged and pleaded for another chance, but my chances... were exhausted. What was I to do? After an hour of my begging and trying to reason, I finally realized, if I ever want to make it, I have to give her what she wants, and thats it. She doesnt want me to call more than once a day, or send more than 2 text messages. I hope we make it through this break together, she said she doesnt know if she'll take me back yet.
I am devastated, I've cried myself to sleep several nights in a row, although things feel somewhat better, it still doesnt feel the same. I woke up so happy this morning, it felt like the past few days were a bad dream... but then when I came into reality, I realized that it was all true, and it hurt.
Last night I did get a large touch of hope. In a text message that she sent me, she wrote "I love you" at the end. It got me so excited, and so happy!! I had to break the text message rule to say it back! She was alright with that... something had put her in a happy mood!
What hurts the most, is that she is so happy when we're actually together in person, and so am I, but when we get to be apart, its almost like the happiness is forgetten, because of the way that I act, so obsessive and what not. I don't blame her for wanting to get away, its just... I know [think] that deep down, she is very happy with me, and I hope that this break ends with us together again... rather than her being extremely happy with the freedom she's gained with me not calling her all the time...
I love her so much, I felt love before, but it was different, I've never cried myself to sleep like I have lateley. Sometimes it hurts not to have her lying with me in bed, cuddling till we decide we can't fall asleep that way. Something about her attracts me more than anything in the world... and that things is love... I totally understand that his is just a break, but its that, that bad chance that it may be a break that never ends... I'm scared |
So anyway, yeah.